I'm a social scientist who helps people break out of the invisible traps and make whole-life changes easily and naturally.
How to Stop Saying Yes to Everything
Life’s magical moments can happen where you least expect them. If you told me I would experience one of the most important moments of my life inside a random, tiny Pilates studio in Amsterdam… yeah, I’d need you to back up a few steps.
But it DID indeed happen. Taking refuge from the bitter cold outside, I learned an invaluable concept that impacted me to my core- both literally and figuratively.
Looking at me when I was a 25-year-old, you’d think I was a model of health. But at the time I couldn’t even walk down the street holding a single piece of paper in my hand without intense back pain and fatigue.
Two years into this really bad pain, my husband and I moved to Amsterdam. It was a particularly cold, difficult winter.
And one day, frustrated with how my body had deteriorated- the same body I was naturally active in, that I used to express myself – I decided to step into the small Pilates studio across from my apartment and attempt to connect back to the body I dearly missed.
My Pilates instructor (the original Bowflex model!!! You remember those commercials…) taught me how to feel my own body again. There were so many parts of my body I had not been aware of, and there were so many parts I had learned to ignore.
I started going every single time they had a lesson, and I gradually got the sense of where my core and center were.
That is when my life changed.
Integrity is a commonly used Pilates term meaning your body is aligned. Your ribs and the muscles around your ribs are tightly knit in around your spine, holding your whole entire body tall, long and in place.
As I became more centered and strong in my integrity in Pilates, I became more centered and strong in my integrity in my own life.
This was when I woke up to the idea that integrity involves holding yourself together and staying tall and aligned internally. It wasn’t about stretching, loosening up, or bending over backward.
I needed to stay in my center and stop leaning and stretching out into all these directions that weren’t natural or fulfilling to me.
I had been contorting myself into a shape I thought the world wanted me to be.
Every time I said yes when I didn’t mean it, where my mind, body, and soul were not in agreement, it had begun impacting my mind, soul, and body.
I was in a lot of physical and emotional pain because I was not paying attention to my own needs, my body’s signals, my deepest desires, and my actual essence. I was trying to override my true feelings and Zone of Genius, squishing it down, and not allowing myself to accept who I really am and what I really want.
When you say yes when actually you really want to say no, how do you feel?
I’m willing to bet you experience some level of agitation or self-betrayal.
We have all experienced this. And when you keep doing it and make it a pattern of integrity breaches, you can start to experience Below-the-Line feelings like resentment, irritation, and victimhood.
Long-term side effects of a lack of integrity include burnout, stress, overwhelm, chronic illness, insomnia, escapist behavior, and more. When you’re chronically out of integrity, you can get so detached you don’t even know what you want or what you stand for. That is a pretty good sign you’ve been out of integrity for a long time.
It’s okay, welcome to the human race. I am not in judgment of it and you don’t have to be either. Know you’re on a journey and sometimes things are in your blind spot and sometimes they’re in your awareness.
My invitation to you today is to step with me as your guide into a space of greater awareness. In awareness, you will find ease.
An incredible way to work towards integrity is to follow the wisdom of your Whole Body Yes.
What is a Whole Body Yes?
Whole Body Yes means you have a yes coming from your body, heart, and mind. All three.
Your gut says yes, your emotions say yes, and your logic says yes.
When you don’t have a yes in every one of those places together, it means you have a no. With this framework, a lack of an aligned 3 part yes means you have a no.
A lack of integrity leads to broken commitments, falling through on plans, and dragging your feet.
Because you made a commitment when you didn’t have a Whole Body Yes. You said yes when you really wanted to say no.
You can say no. You always have a choice. You can say you’re not going to attend a meeting or event, or whatever circumstance you don’t have a Whole Body Yes to. But often, you won’t have a complete, full-stop no. This is when the creative fun begins.
Time to renegotiate. Attune to the wisdom of your Whole Body Yes. Identify which aspect(s) are saying no and what they need in order to say yes.
Does the length of the meeting need to change? Is a different agenda better suited to what you want?
If you re-negotiate the agreement and you create one you have a Whole Body Yes to, you are naturally in integrity and naturally at ease.
Commitments will be easier to follow through on because they’re commitments you are fully committed to.
How Living a Life of Integrity Reduces Burnout
Every action has a reaction. Integrity, Whole Body Yes, clear agreements, and ease are a package deal.
Let’s pull all of these concepts together. You know being in integrity is a way to experience your life as a whole being who is fully alive. You trust this is of service to yourself and all things.
When you are in integrity you keep your agreements and those agreements are clear. When you have a Whole Body Yes to an agreement, it is easy, fun and life-giving to keep those agreements. You are way less likely to break the agreement.
Making clear agreements with integrity naturally fights burnout! You are not burning yourself out with the drag and friction of fighting life, including the life within you. You’re not swimming upstream anymore when you don’t want to.
You may still be working hard, but it’s not hard. You may still be putting in a lot of effort and energy into keeping our agreements, but it’s not friction. There’s something easy about exerting all of this effort that feels alive, sexy and whole.
When you stop saying yes when you actually want to say no, you stop creating agreements that are easy to break. You stop stretching into unnatural shapes that are counter to your natural way of being and Genius.
You can access greater possibilities in integrity when you’re more centered in your true essence and your Zone of Genius.
The whole key is a conscious commitment to integrity and creating conscious commitments with integrity.
About this episode:
This week’s coaching session will help you end burnout, stop indecisiveness, reduce your feelings of overwhelm, and end the depletion of your creative energy.
Do you tend to say yes when you really want to say no? Are you trapped in what feels like an unending burnout cycle? Do you find yourself breaking commitments? Or stuck in ones that now feel like burdensome obligations?
In less than an hour, learn how getting into the daily practice of creating clear agreements with yourself for the day is a beneficial exercise of self-care. Self-care habits, like integrity, Whole Body Yes, and boundaries, help you to own the leadership role in your life and set the foundation for your external leadership.
Discover how to use your internal wisdom to guide your commitments, so you can stop breaking your agreements and start creating agreements that make you feel ALIVE.
You can stop engaging in the friction of fighting life, including the life that is within you. You can stop swimming upstream when you don’t want to.
You may still be working hard, but it doesn’t have to feel hard. You may still be putting in a lot of effort and energy into keeping your agreements, but friction is absent.
Learn how integrity is a place of great ease which you can live in and create from if you choose to.
Allowed Insider’s bonus:
When you join Allowed Insider you receive a bonus exercise in your inbox diving further into practicing and understanding the concept of the episode. Join here!
This week’s Allowed Insider bonus is a practice you can do every day to find alignment with yourself. Enjoy both a morning and evening journaling exercise complementary to this episode guided by Caneel.
Self-care habits help you to own the role of leader in your own life. Journaling is an exercise for your personal power. These exercises support you in being present and creating clear agreements with yourself so you can ease-fully live in integrity each and every day.
Integrity is a place of great ease where you are no longer fighting yourself and you’re no longer swimming upstream with life.
Creating a journaling habit helps you to stay in presence and to create a clear agreement and stay in integrity with yourself.
This routine will help you to unpack the day, week or life events you’re finding yourself in and recall them in a healthy self-aware to avoid overwhelm, cultivate a growth mindset, break out of stagnation and begin to heal from burnout.
Please enjoy this transformative Allowed Insider Exclusive communication exercise.
- 06:59 Self Care Is More Than Bubble Baths
08:09 How Your Integrity Serves Others
10:11 The Value of Self Care Habits
11:07 What is Integrity?
14:26 The Consequences of a Lack of Integrity
16:28 What is a Whole Body Yes?
25:19 What is a Clear Agreement?
33:11 How Living a Life of Integrity Reduces Burnout
- 36:10 Clear Agreements Journaling Exercise
- Allowed Insider
- Drama Triangle
- What is Integrity?
- How to Create Clear Agreements
- Whole Body Yes
- Getting Back into Integrity with Clear Agreements
- The Change Formula
- What’s Your Type? – Improving Relationships with Your Enneagram Personality Type
- Transforming Your Business Through Conscious Leadership
- Diana Chapman on Conscious Leadership at Home, in Marriage and More
- Diana Chapman on the Tim Ferris Podcast
- Atomic Habits by Jim Clear
- The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg and Mike Chamberlain
- The Genius Habit by Laura Garnett