Transcript Season 2, Episode 2: One Superpower Every Great Leader has in Common
Transcript: Please excuse any typos. This was transcribed by an automated service.
Welcome back to Allowed.
I’m so glad that you’re here with us again today to take this moment and continue to invest in yourself and your own growth and self-awareness. What’s even more powerful about this type of investment in the Allowed Podcast or any other kind of coaching work that you do is that it’s not only about empowering yourself.
It’s not only about empowering you to make any changes you’d like to make or become more aware of who you are and what you want, it’s also about you being more present, showing up in a way that literally has a chain reaction in every space that you walk into in your life. You have the ability to actually transform people’s experiences, and therefore their days and their lives. And you never know what moment you can impact somebody if you can arrive fully present.
You can be that person that when you walk into a room, everything changes. And you can choose what the change looks like. And even cooler, when you’re present, you don’t even have to choose. You can be the resolution to the change that you want to see.
Our inner work affects our outer world. I truly believe this. I know it to my core because I have lived it. I have experienced it. And I’ve experienced the opposite of how my lack of presence degrades and undermines everything I hold dear.
This is Allowed: Conscious Leadership & Personal Growth podcast. And I am your coach Caneel Joyce. Each episode of season two of Allowed is a personal on-demand coaching session, taking you deeper into your own mind, your own soul, your own body, and helping you to shift any mindsets or resistance that are not serving you.
Last week you uncovered some places in your work, your business, and your life that might benefit from completely starting over with a blank slate, tearing it down and rebuilding it from the foundation on up. And if you haven’t listened to that last episode, I do encourage you to go back and listen now, because each episode of this season expands on the inner work that you’ve done in previous episodes. I can’t help it. I’m a teacher. I think in semesters. And we are going to build brick-by-brick each time. So there is huge benefit to going back and really taking it in, piece by piece. This has been very intentionally designed for you.
But as you’re going through the motions of rebuilding solid foundations in the place of old faulty ones that you’ve maybe outgrown or you’ve gotten sick of, or it just no longer serves you and brings you into full of liveliness, the question is where do you want to go next? And you don’t need to feel overly responsible for answering that question. I’m going to teach you some ways that that answer can actually come to you very easily with hardly any doing it all on your part, simply by being present.
Presence and Conscious Leadership
So think of this as conscious leadership 101. It’s a quick start guide to your intentional living. And we can find our intention from presence. The concept of leading as a whole person. You’ve heard me say that, I think in the intro to every single one of these podcast episodes. It begins from the inside. It’s very easy to say, “Oh, they need to change. And he needs to do this. And she needs to do that. And those guys need to do this.” But when we flip it and we say, “Well, what’s the thing that I seek? And would I be willing to be it? Would I be willing to be the resolution of that? And if not, do I actually really seek it or is that just a should?”
That flip of bringing the focus back inward is a really different paradigm for how we think about leadership and influence. It’s not how do I change them? It’s how do I live me? It’s not how do I shape their behavior? How do I control them? How do I reward and hold back rewards? It’s how do I be me and who is me? And who does me want to be right now? What’s here now. You see why it’s called presence? It’s very much about that now.
If you’ve been seeking to get out of drama, presence is the answer. If you’ve been looking for, what is my zone of genius, how do I get myself to actually organize my life such that I am living in my zone of genius? How do I overcome the triggers and the ways that I hide and the ways I hold myself back and all the drama I keep recreating? The answer is presence. It’s the puzzle piece that helps you make clear commitments and clear agreements.
And it helps what integrity is and feels like in your body. It’s the key to ease, and vibrance, and wellbeing, and truly receiving love. Because it keeps you aligned with what’s here now, including all the authentic aspects of who you are that is filled far beyond who you think you are. It’s, what is here now? What is happening inside me now? Which is not an identity. It’s not a personality. It’s not your ego. It’s, what’s the current realtime experience that is here now. And what seems to be wanting to happen all around me now without the aim of control.
What is presence?
So what is presence? Presence is a state of conscious awareness. Some call it mindfulness. I think it’s broader. It’s body fullness, it’s soulfulness, it’s spiritual fullness, it’s heartfulness, it’s a liveliness. It’s presence. It’s like it doesn’t even begin and end at the end of our life. It is just what’s here now, you being a part of that. You will know when you are in a state of presence, because you will be insatiably curious without effort about what’s here now. What’s here now in this situation? What’s here now in this environment? What’s here now in this inner world that I’m in my mind, in my soul, in my body, in my heart?
The ultimate goal here is to be present at all times. And this can seem overwhelming, but trust me, by the end of the season, there’ll be so much more ease and freedom in your mind and your life and people around, you can feel it, if you just sit with this and allow it to unfold. Don’t force it. Give it time. Let it sink in. Stay with it. If it bugs you, stay with it. Stay with the bugging part. Be present to that. If you love it, be present to that.
Allow yourself to be exactly where you are, whether it’s above the line, below the line, anywhere in between. If that language is foreign to you, please go back and check out season one where we go through above and below the line, drama triangle, all of these foundational kind of concept work. And this season is very much about applying each and every one of those concepts in your real life. And I’m going to guide you through it in real time workshoppy, coachy kind of stuff, the same as I do with my high-end CEO clients.
I want you to repeat after me, I am allowed to breathe. That seems so simple, right? But are you breathing right now? Just check. Full? All the way into your tummy without controlling it? I am allowed to breathe. Well, I felt a shift there. Take a moment. I’m allowed to breathe. I’m allowed to take a moment. I’m allowed to ground myself in presence. Repeat after me, I am allowed to stop at any moment. At any moment, I’m allowed to breathe. In any situation. I’m allowed to pause when I notice I’m not in presence and I’m allowed to ground myself in presence, no matter where I am.
Let’s say that you’re like, but I can’t, I have to pay attention to things. Guess what? You’re already not present if you’re in that mindset. So why not use that non-present time to regain presence rather than trying to keep up with what you think is happening on the outside world but it’s actually a bunch of racing thoughts. You are allowed to stop and reground. Repeat after me. I serve myself and everyone else with my true gifts and genius when I am in presence. I do not have access to serving others in a conscious way when I am out of presence. And I am allowed to be present. It’s allowed to be easy for me to be present.
What does presence look and feel like?
Have you ever had the experience of going to a rock concert or an art museum or a party with close friends witnessing the birth of a child, being there at the passing of a life, or a moment when somebody is saved, and that feeling of there’s nothing else that matters, but what is exactly here right now? That is aliveness. And that’s exactly the same thing as presence, where you don’t have a judgment about what’s here now.
When we try to control, we’re not in presence. We can go with. We can allow. Presence welcomes all of us, all parts of us, all experiences of us. Presence is all loving. Presence is all knowing. Presence is… It just is what it is. It is here.
So I just want you to ask yourself, are there categories, are there parts of my life where I actually have been making up a story that I don’t deserve to have presence? Because that’s kind of lower priority because, of course, it’s business, or it’s a certain meeting, or it’s a certain kind of conversation. Or, of course, I can’t be present because this and this and this and this and this are so important. Or because that person’s wrong or I’m wrong or drama, right? Are there places in your life where you’ve not even been given it a little taste, just see what would it be like for me to be present in this area?
Think about when you’re at your most present. How are you then? And if you can really put yourself even back into your own body at that time, can you feel your chest swells, and your face softens, and your forehead releases, and your voice box opens, and your pelvis opens, and you are feeling your blood flowing in your whole entire body? That’s presence. It’s just that it feels different from how you feel in a typical workday, for instance.
Now, being present doesn’t mean that you’re sitting on a cushion. It might mean that you’re sitting on a cushion, you might choose to do that, but presence is available to you all of the time, 100% of the time. Presence seeks out learning. So simple mindset shift. How is this here for my learning? What can I learn from this moment? What can you pay more attention to, to get more alive right now?
Presence is the difference between approaching a situation or your life as what is happening to me versus what is happening by me. And by me, I am alive. I’m present to, I have agency, I have creativity, I am open to what wants to happen through me. And I am going to take action. And probably whatever circumstances are around me, somehow, I helped create those. To some degree, those things are by me. They are my creation.
9 ways to regain presence
So here is your mini coaching deep dive for the episode. I’m going to give you a little list of some reliable ways that you can get back into presence when you are not. And you can try these out right now.
When you’re not in presence, try appreciating someone or something. One of our team members had a child this week who had a really bad accident and had to go to the ER actually, and is having surgery. And we’re all thinking about that person.
When we are out of presence, we can easily panic. But when we’re in presence, we can say, what is here to appreciate about this? And I cannot tell you how many things my teammate and everyone in her family and everyone in our team found to appreciate and how different the situation feels and he’s going to be okay, but the application of appreciation can bring us into presence so that we have the energy and the aliveness and the space to respond to what actually is here now and not to spin and to be there so that we can create the resolution we want.
All right. Number two, appreciate something around you. So I can apply my attention to any single thing around me. And I can say, I’m going to find 10 things to appreciate about that thing, 10 things to appreciate about this desk or that broken camera stand.
Number three, breathe. I really like the four-part breath release. I like doing four seconds in. And I like breathing all the way in into the bottom of my tummy, underneath my belly button. And then I hold it for four. And then I breathe out for four. And then I have no air for four. And then I breathe in for four. And I do that four times. And that’s a four-by-four. And now I’m a lot more present. I open my eyes and I notice I see things much more clearly, literally.
Number four, meditate consciously. This means you’re not trying to tune anything out. You’re not trying to tune out your thoughts. You’re not trying to tune out your feelings. You’re not trying to tune out any external noises. In fact, you are welcoming all of them. And you’re saying, I’m going to be with what is here now for as long as it’s here now. And I’m not going to hold onto it, and I’m going to let it go. And I’m even going to be conscious about when I do hold onto it. And I’m going to be with that. Okay, here I am holding onto it longer. For instance, a loud car just drove by. I welcome that. I welcome that as, that’s here for us, that’s here for us. That is in service. Maybe you didn’t hear it on this microphone, but it was here.
Okay. Number five, get curious. Find any topic to get curious about. I’m going to get curious on purpose about this person, this topic. And it doesn’t need to be a big research project. It’s, could I sit here for 60 seconds being curious about koalas? What are some open, honest questions I actually might have that I’m actually curious about, about koalas? If I sit here and I have to spend the first 45 seconds trying to find the question, that’s a pretty good presencing exercise, actually. We don’t judge ourselves for how many questions we can come up with. The point is, can I get curious about anything?
Number six, drastically change your posture. So if you are feeling unpresent, of course you can do a wiggle. You can stand up, walk around. You can say, hmm, so this is me not present. I’m in this posture. Maybe you’re rigid sitting up really straight. Maybe your hands are crossed. Maybe you’re hunched over. Maybe you’re you’re looking down. Notice what you can notice about your own physicality and intentionally choose to shift some of it. Simply to shift it and reverse it, do something different. And then apply curiosity and see is anything different now? What’s different now? If nothing is different, keep shifting stuff and don’t wait for it to be different. Just shift stuff and allow. And you will feel a shift.
One of my favorite hacks for this actually is putting on tiaras and bunny ears. I like to dress up around the house. I might put on crazy lipstick or a wizard robe. You can do whatever you want, but the point is to mix it up and to get the physical change in there.
Number seven, walk in the grass. So applying your actual bare feet to the ground helps to discharge energy that’s kind of been building up inside of you, especially energy that might come from the world around you, friction you’re holding onto. And it will help you get flow back again so that you’re flowing into and out of the earth and receive a little more of that support because we don’t need to breathe alone. And in fact, we’re part of a big breathing system called the planet earth. And that will help you. If the grass is wet, even better. You can put your feet in water. All of that works, but just kick your shoes off and stick them on the ground.
Number eight, speak unarguably. So when we are out of presence, we get really wrapped up in our own stories. We get really wrapped up in our theories, what we think, our interpretations, what’s going to happen, what things mean. But when we are in presence, we are simply attending to facts. It’s the difference between, it’s so cold in here versus I notice that, like, I wanted to be warmer in here, or I’m looking at the thermostat it says it’s only 64 degrees in here, or wow, I’ve got goosebumps. And one of them is, can you feel like there’s like almost an accusatory tone, oh, so cold in here versus, there’s some facts and I’m keeping my level head and that’s unarguable, you can’t argue with me. I do have goosebumps. It is 64, at least on the thermostat. And you can’t argue that I would like it to be warmer. So I’m going to just unarguably speak even to myself. And now I am present to find a resolution.
Number nine, exaggerate your current attitude. This one is so fun. So this is where, as much as you don’t want to feel like how you’re feeling, making it bigger actually will help you break out of it. So, I’m freaking out. I’m freaking out. God, I’m freaking out. Oh my gosh, I don’t want to be freaking out. I don’t want to be freaking out. I need to make sure that nobody thinks I’m freaking out. I’m freaking out. Let yourself go and have, I’m not going to break your eardrums with this, but let yourself go and have a really fun time with it being that will one who’s freaking out or that one who’s really controlling or so OCD or whatever the thing is that you’re kind of blaming yourself for, or the way that you’re being that you don’t want to be, making it bigger, the reason this works, is because it is allowing what is here now to be here.
It’s a big welcome sign. It’s saying, come on in. Actually what’s here. Come on in lazy-self, come on in blamey-self, come in, triggered OCD over-organizing person and just do. Be it big. Because that one wants to be heard. That’s why it keeps nagging. It needs to be heard, acknowledged, loved, appreciated. Remember, we appreciate everything we’re curious about how all things are here for us. So making it bigger is really fun, especially if you can enroll some co-conspirators in this with you, if you happen to live with anybody, you have a spouse, a family, roommates. This is a great thing to just name. This is one of my personas that I’m going to get into sometimes. And here I am being that persona. It’s hilarious. And even if it doesn’t feel funny at the time, even if others laugh at you, adding laughter to the equation, changes everything.
Okay. That was your list of nine great ways to quickly get back into presence reliably. I hope that you find something from that list you can try out today. Try out a couple of them try out. Try out a couple tomorrow. And just keep these as tools in your toolkit. You never know when one of them is going to work for you. And the ability to return to present quickly and reliably is pretty much the key to a healthy, happy life.
So we’ve covered a lot here today. For those of you who are listening to the podcast only, we’re going to stop here. Thank you so much for showing up. But if you are an Allowed Insider, you can also go deeper right now with exclusive bonus content for this episode. Let’s go to allowedpodcast.com to become an Allowed Insider get my free grounding in presence, safety valve, parachute meditation. This is an actual meditation that you would do with me in a personal coaching session. I have guided people out of panic attacks with this. It is very scientifically, highly-validated, and really, really reliable in my experience and also very fast and easy.
So if you were paying, we would be doing this together live, but I’m giving it to you absolutely for free when you sign up for the Allowed Insider group at allowedpodcast.com. Get that bonus as well as last week’s bonus episode content at allowpodcast.com. And you’ll also get behind the scenes access and early access to events, special insider or Q&A sessions, chances to win free mini-coaching sessions with me, and more throughout the year. Oh, plus some allowed merchandise, which I’m excited to be sharing with you coming up here in a month or so.
I want to also quickly remind you to subscribe to the podcast right now if you found this valuable. If you think others might find this valuable, please subscribe, if you aren’t already subscribed. Hit download if you have not already done so. The downloads and the subscribe count really, really help the algorithm to deliver this podcast to others like you who would want it. The wisdom of these algorithms is beyond me and really impressive. And I think just if you feel a natural affinity, please do go ahead and take those steps because it will really help others in creating that ripple effect that we were talking about at the beginning.
And it doesn’t matter if you are in YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Google Podcasts, or any other app, when you subscribe, rate, and review this podcast, that actually helps other people define this valuable content. Be sure to share this as well with your friends, and family, and co-workers. I’ve had so many people who’ve said they’ve shared episodes with their team, with their managers, with their spouses and that that has made a really big difference to be able to discuss this material with them. Or have them just listen and then they often come back and say, wow, that really changed my life. This was the wake up call I needed.
Additional Conscious Leadership Resources
I’ve also got some additional resources to send to you. So if you want to open up the show notes in the app or go to allowedpodcast.com for this episode, I’m going to point you to episodes 17 and episode 28, where Diana Chapman, one of the co-authors of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, the book I talked about earlier, it talks about conscious leadership itself and what it looks like to put that into action in companies and in your personal life, including in the bedroom.
Episode 30, around leadership, reactivity, and drifting from consciousness. And episode six. Remember I kept saying, if this drama triangle language is still foreign to you, please go back and listen to season one. Episode six is your best bet for getting started on that. And then we have deep dives into each of the positions on the drama triangle as well.
I will also link in the show notes, too, a couple of books that I recommend. So one being The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership. And the second being The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle or Tolle I’m not sure how you like to pronounce it. I’ve heard it both ways from professionals. So that is a great resource on really pretty mind-blowing of what it really means to be in the now moment and what stops happening with pain and a million other things. So that’s a topic for another deep-dive episode.
Goodbye for now. We will see you next week. Thank you so much for being here. It does make a big difference. Your presence walking into the room changes lives in ways that you never find out about, or you may hear about years later, or you may see it in someone’s face demeanor in the softening of their body as you give them an actual open eye contact look that is authentic.
Thank you so much for investing in your own presence. You deserve it so much to be alive. Become an Allowed Insider at allowedpodcast.com. I can’t wait to get to know you. And we’ll see you next week.